LAZZER BEARS!?! FOR TEH WIN: AN UNSUITABLE ADVENTURE FOR CHARACTERS OF ANY LEVEL
by matthew w. schmeer
There’s something strange going on in the woods. All the small game seems to have disappeared. No awaiting orders from The Grand High Poohbah of Xernon about what to do next. But the Poobah
squirrels. No woodchucks. No mice. No rabbits. There are birds, but they look tired and haggard. doesn’t know they’re missing. In the meantime, they’re hiding out in this cave, playing cards and
WTF is going on? getting drunk on the blood of small mammals.
1. Big-ass oak tree. A WAR OWL makes its roost in the upper branches. It likes to eat elves, They really like to play King’s Cups. They’re good at it, too, despite not having
halflings, and gnomes, but will nibble on dwarves before spitting them out because beards taste gross.
opposable thumbs. If the PCs can get the LAZZER BEARS!?! to play King’s
1a. JUNIOR ENT. He was hired by a nearby thorp to guard the caves (to keep people out or to keep Cups or any other card game and lose at least three hands, then the LAZZER
something in—he’s not sure which; he’s kinda slow). He’s lonely and likes to talk but sucks at BEARS!?! will give them a HollowDeck (a Deck of Many Things missing
half the cards) as a gift of high esteem. If the PCs lose more than three
small talk. He’s fond of the WAR OWL.
hands in a row, the LAZZER BEARS!?! try to eat them. LAZZER
1b. Three-foot-thick barred iron door, protected with powerful magic beyond BEARS!?! have the same fighting stats and non-psionic abilities as Mind
the knowledge of anyone who should know such things. It’s impervious Flayers, but look like Wookies on meth.
to spells. The JUNIOR ENT has a key he found that opens the 4a. LAZZER BEAR!?! Urine Pool. LAZZER BEARS!?! bathe in
door, but there is no visible keyhole. The magic word to 3 their own urine to keep flies and other body parasites away. This is
reveal the keyhole is breath. When the door is opened, a big communal pool of LAZZER BEAR!?! pee, about six feet
an ungodly smell of death and decay hurls deep. It smells like lavender and looks like snot. LAZZER
through the air in a gaseous cloud. Save vs. BEAR!?! urine is known to cure the hurpderp shakes and
Breath Weapon, or be incapacitated for 1d6
1 1b 3a
myriad other diseases. At the bottom is a SLIME
hours. PCs must save again as areas 4 & 5 are SALAMANDER, just chilling out, and a Sword of
entered. Swording (adds +1 to hit, no extra damage).
1c. A three-foot-thick barred iron door, similar to 5. Dead Things. The LAZZER BEARS!?! throw dead
the one in 1b. This door shows signs of abuse. It is 1a things they’ve eaten over here. It’s pretty gross
rusted and battered, with a hole at the bottom large 1c because it is a big rotting pile of stuff but some of
enough for a halfing or gnome to crawl through. it is not quite dead yet because the LAZZER
2. 2 GIANT HONEY BADGERS in rut. DO NOT BEAR!?! urine can sometimes turn small, nearly
INTERRUPT THE GIANT HONEY BADGERS IN
4 4a dead things undead. The whole pile of dead
things includes 6 WIGHT RABBITS, 2
RUT! Also, a small sack of emeralds worth 500gp and a rusty
dagger. GHOST SQUIRRELS, 3 REMNANT
BADGERS, 2 ZOMBIE SHREWS, and 4
3. 4 BLOATED ROPERS are hanging out here (literally-- 5 GHOUL GOPHERS. They will attack if disturbed.
they’re hanging down from the ceiling). Wedged in a crack in the
2 They are always disturbed. Also in the pile is a Ring of
cavern wall in the upper left corner is a rucksack containing a lantern Daisies (wearer smells fresh and clean at all times).
holding an Everburning Candle, a deck of playing cards, and sixty-three
linen-wrapped glass vials. 6. MERWIN THE MAGNANIMOUS is hiding out here. He’s been
6 trapped for six days and it looks like he has put himself in a trance. Or maybe he’s
3a. This passageway ends in a 7-foot-wide, infinitely deep crevasse. Parties
attempting to jump across will be stopped by ORCUS, who will reach his just lost his mind. Roll a 1d20: 11 or higher, he’s nutso and will attack with the abilities of
fiery, scaly hand through the crevasse and swat the PC against the back wall of a 16th level magic user who loaded up on fireball spells. Roll a 10 or lower and he snaps out of his
area 3. The only way to get across safely is to use either the JUNIOR ENT or trance like a gibbering 1st level n00b and is willing to pay the party 3,000gp to escort him safely to
one of the BLOATED ROPERS as a bridge. his tower in Lankhmystara. He won’t stop screaming hysterically the whole way back. Even if the
4. LAZZER BEARS!?! Lair. This area is the cause of the stink wafting through the PCs knock him out. And they’ll want to knock him out.
entire encounter zone. 6 LAZZER BEARS!?! live here. LAZZER BEARS!?! are awesome cool and Carved in dwarvish on the inside back of the door is this message: BEWARE THE LAZZER
shoot lasers out of their eyes and butts and are totally immune to magic weapons because they are BEARS!?! FROM BEYOND THE STARS! THEY WILL EATESES UR BRAINZ AND
really aliens from the planet Xernon who accidentally time/plane shifted into this area and are SLURP YUR BLOODS EVEN IF THEY PRETENDS TO BE YUR FREINDSES.
Released under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 License OPDC 2012 Credits: map geomorphs by Risus Monkey. Ideas inspired by too much beer.
Matthew W. Schmeer